I am sharing this story because I can see God’s hand in all of this taking place in our lives right now. I want to document it, so that it may bring glory to Him.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
It was on Friday. The Bundle woke us up at 6 o’clock yelling “I go with Daddy!” we looked over to her bed and she was getting up and trying to climb over me to get to Daddy. We lay there a few minutes but I soon got up to take a shower, I knew that we should leave around 8 a.m. to get the appointment on time. I had two appointments that day. My first one, the ultrasound was at 10:15, all the way across the city, it takes us an hour and a half to get there so I wanted to give us two hours.
The Bundle and I got in the shower, I was done quickly but she wanted to stay in there longer. So I let her be in there while I got dressed and ready. Then I made breakfast and ate hurriedly because I still needed to do blow dry and do my hair. I did my hair and we were surprisingly ready at 8:06! We left the house and were on our way.
I was having a follow-up ultrasound because my placenta was too low at my 20 week ultrasound. My midwife, was not concerned; she was positive it would be up and that we could continue with our home birth plans. I hadn’t worried either; my placenta was marginal, which I didn’t consider it previa because it was just at the margin of my cervix. I considered it a hassle, having to drive for an hour and pay another $50 just to have it checked again.
We made it to the appointment with 10 minutes to spare since we had stopped to get water on the way. I had called the midwife a few times because she hadn’t given me a referral and wanted to ask her if she wanted me to stop by her house on the way to the ultrasound to get it or if she thought they would still take me if she faxed it later. Well, I never got hold of her so we went straight to the ultrasound place.
It turns out they almost had me reschedule because I didn’t have the referral with me. I called Pam, my midwife. one more time when we were there and she answered. She was a birth, and sounded like she was in a hurry. She talked to the lady at the front desk and promised to fax it as soon as she was done with the birth. So they went ahead and decided to take me in. Thankfully.
At my first appointment they had a teacher and a student at the ultrasound, because it is a school of sonography, but this time was only one lady. I believe she was one of the teachers. She was a nice lady and checked my cervix right away to see if my placenta was near it. She quickly determined that it wasn’t close to my cervix so that ruled out Placenta Previa. She said she would try to find where the placenta actually was and then she would do another full scan of the baby’s anatomy. I asked her if she could make sure she was still a girl. Everyone kept telling us how I was “carrying like a boy” and they didn’t believe it was a girl. I was pretty sure she was a girl because we go a really good look the first time, but some of the comments were making me doubt!
The lady started the scan. The ultrasound had only started a few minutes ago, and The Man was already having trouble with the Bundle. She was quickly getting tired of being in the room. She was loud and didn’t want to listen to Daddy. Who can blame her, it’s hard enough for adults to sit there quietly.
I couldn’t see much of the screen and I remember being a bit angry at the lady for not turning the screen a little so that I could get a better view like the other techs had done previously. I had to lay in a weird position, tilting my head so that I could see anything. I could tell she was looking at the head and measuring the circumference. She wasn’t saying much and that was bothering me, too. I wanted her to be more accommodating. She was also starting to hurt my stomach because she was poking it too hard with her wand. I had to close my eyes and practice some hypnosis to try to curve the pain away.
She seemed to take too long with the head, I thought about asking her if there was something wrong, because she wasn’t looking at anything else. Finally after a few more minutes she looked at the spine and then the heart, “Nice four-chamber heart” she told me. That went on for a few more minutes and then announced that she was going to ask the doctor if she wanted to “take a look at it.” Strange, I thought. And then, I was worried. There was something wrong. I knew it.
She left the room and I suggested to The Man he take a banana out of my bag to give to the Bundle. Then I told him it was really strange that she spent so much time looking at her head. My exact words were “she was starting to scare me.” We got the Bundle to sit on a chair while eating her banana, if only for a few seconds, she was out of the chair when the technician walked in with the doctor.
I wouldn’t take silence anymore. They told us she wanted to show the doctor what she had seen. I lay down and they said the baby was transverse in the beginning but that now she had moved to a breech position so it would be harder to look at “it”. She went straight to the head. My heart rate sped up.
“Is there something wrong?” I asked.
“We just want to take a another look at it” said the tech.
I lay there, feeling like my body was falling. I could hear them discussing my baby’s brain. Something about the length of something, “She still has 9 more weeks to grow” I hear the doctor mention over and over.
“What is wrong with her brain?” I asked.
“We can’t really tell for sure, we need to take a look at the whole exam first” responded the doctor.
I wanted the truth, not some elusive answer. Then the tears started running. I couldn’t stop them. It was more impotence than anything else. Then the questions flooded my mind. I wondered how much The Man was aware of what was going on, because The Bundle had had enough. I asked God to give me peace and to keep me calm and to prepare me for what may be ahead.
“But what are you looking at?”
“We like to be conservative….” After getting no response she continued, ” The report is sent to you within a few days… well, actually, I will try to get it done today by the time you go to your appointment.”
Then I’m not really quite sure what happened, it all seems so vague. They discussed for a few minutes and the doctor sat down at a desk in the corner of the room to work on the report. Then they said they were finished, the tech helped me up and that was it. We were left drowning of a sea of uncertainty. I was pretty composed as we left. They reminded me to have my midwife send them the referral and that they would get the report to her by 1 p.m., the time of my appointment. On the way out the door I grabbed a handful of tissues, knowing they would soon be used. As soon as we stepped out of the office I broke down, walking to our car.
“I could tell there was something wrong! I just wish they could tell us more!”
We drove across town closer to our Pam’s office, and went to grab something to eat, since we still had an hour. I didn’t have much of an appetite, I kept myself busy making sure the Bundle ate. Finally, when we were done we would get some answers.
When we got to her office, Pam was still gone, but her student midwife was there. She had no idea what was going on. I told her and asked her if she would check if the report had come in. It hadn’t, so she called Pam right away. Pam answered and she wanted to talk to me. She had just gotten off the phone with the ultrasound doctor.
“There really is no easy way to say this, so I will just say it.” She began. “I wish I was there to hug you.”
They found a cyst in the back of the baby’s brain. It wasn’t there previously, at my 20 week ultrasound, they are not quite sure what it is, but they want me to get a level 2 ultrasound. It could be a number of different things, some, of course, can be very dangerous, but it might not be. She gave me a few other instructions as to what would happen next and that she would get to work on setting up my next ultrasound as soon as she got back. Then she talked to the student midwife while I told The Man what Pam had said.
We tried to continue the rest of the appointment as it normally would, the student midwife hugged me and we were on our way home. We were pretty quite most of the way. I did mention once to The Man that I couldn’t wait to get home to lay there with him and cry. And my always-collected husband said “why? crying doesn’t help”… how I love that man.
It was a rollercoaster ride at home. I’m glad the house was a complete mess, so that I was able to keep busy going from room to room cleaning it. Then I got online and did some research, it made me too upset so I stopped. All I could do was to hold on to my God and let Him hold me. To let myself go and trust Him completely.
To be continued…